Words of Wisdom (or Experience) Part 4

This is my last week as a member of the student body of Purdue University, and America. I have been through a lot in my 4... (or make that 5) years of college. Lately I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my life here in West Lafayette and how it could have been different or it could have changed. It is a sobering thought that in 3 week's time I will really really be out on my own in the real world. So basically each day this week, I will try to leave you all with some story or something I have learned that you can use (if you like) in your own life. Maybe I have suffered some so you can suffer less by learning from my mistakes...

Wednesday (Making friends/Shy People/Encouraging Words)

I am by no means an expert in making friends and relationships. One would think I am since I was an Army Brat and moved around many times in my childhood. I have had to make friends over and over and over again. Saying goodbye got worse and worse each time. I would say that this is one somewhat negative thing about my childhood, but I know that it had to happen. Dad was providing for the family and serving our Country, and for that I am proud. I have made and lost more friends than I can count. Perhaps I have not been good about keeping contact.

As I may have previously mentioned in this week's posts, in my first two years at Purdue I made two or three friends total. Much of this was my fault perhaps for not trying enough. I was just too scared to put myself out there for other people to see. I didn't want them to see me hurting or see my desperation. I was a pretty broken, hurting person, now that I look back on it.

I also have a more private personality. I do enjoy my time away from people, away from the world. That probably also contributed to my troubles my first two years of school. I just didn't have the skill set or the confidence to make new friends. I was just really shy and struggled with conversations. I had not learned about how to talk to people (it really is a skill I think...) yet.

Going somewhere new by yourself is always awkward. That is why God has given us groups to travel together in. Groups can be very supportive. Entering someone else's group, however, can be quite difficult.

During the formative years of Purdue Chi Alpha, we had a decent amount of good people that participated in our group. At this time I was a junior. By this time I had probably doubled my friend output to 4 or so. I could still count them only using my fingers. Most of the normal people got along fine as far as I could tell. I was still alone and hurting, even though there were many people around me. That is a terrible feeling to have. These were people that were to be Christians. They are supposed to be the most friendly, loving people on the planet, yet I was still always on the outside looking in. I would just stand there nervously, close enough to people for them to know I am there hoping they would somehow pull me into the conversation, and I would be ignored. I always wondered if they would notice if I was missing and didn't show up anymore. After the Chi Alpha meetings and the hangout period, I would walk home crying each week because no one would talk to me. The tears would come as I walked past fraternities because I would hear their loud music and assume they were having the time of their lives while I suffered at college. I felt like some kind of monster, like something was wrong with me. I had no idea what I was doing wrong or if there was anything I could do to fix myself.

I guess there is a point to this sad, pathetic part of the story of my life from a few years ago. Many times people are looking to the outside world for people to reach. And it is a good thing to look outside, because that is how you grow your group, and we were told in Matt. 28 to make disciples of all nations. You should also pay attention to your neighbor, saved or not. Maybe God has sent someone right to you for you to have an impact on. There could be someone right next to you that could use an encouraging word, or even a conversation would make their day. I know I was just waiting for someone to chat with me. One thing I like to say is: "Shy people are just dying to talk to you on the inside. They just don't know what to say." This was my personal experience at least.

One thing I like to do if I am in a group conversation, is observe for people that are not talking or contributing to the conversation as much. They usually feel very awkward if they are not being included in the conversation or if they clearly don't know much about the conversation topic. I will then (and I would encourage all of you to do this) break off into a separate conversation with them. It doesn't even matter what it is about. Asking about his or her day (and actually caring about it) can go a long way in improving someone's day or even general outlook in life. I have had feedback about this, and it works so just trust me. It is also a good starting point to do this as I have found.

It makes people feel good if they are noticed. Pay close attention to people. If they don't show up, comment on how you missed them. It may encourage them to attend next time.

If you have something nice and encouraging to say, let it fly. You never know how much your kind words can affect the person you have targeted. Just a couple of sentences is all it takes. You would be surprised how much a small gesture like this could lift someone's spirits, even for a few minutes.

If you see someone on the outside looking in, it's probably because they want in. So let them in. Most people these days are polite enough that they will just stand there and not say or do anything in hopes that you will pull them into things. So pull them into things. Maybe they are waiting for you to pull them in.

Maybe I am an exhorter, or maybe I just think this is something we can all learn to do. How hard is it to use our words to prop someone up? I don't think it's that much trouble at all...