You Know, It's Really Funny...

You know it's really funny what happens when you get desperate before God and cry out to him. You will usually get exactly what you need, or rather what he has planned for you. This Friday and Saturday were especially tough for me. I was eaten up completely by the stress of trying to raise support to be on campus for Chi Alpha Purdue and finding a job. It was so bad I had to lay down the other day for a little while. Then you know, if you go out in public, you have to put on a smiley face for everyone so they don't know what's going on. I was pretty much in tears. Maybe I find it hard to motivate myself. I am just not the most self-motivated person ever. I work better in a bigger setting where I have a specific job I can do like cashiering at Walmart for example. Over the summer there were many times when I doubted what I was getting myself into. By then it was way to late to run away of course. Of course if I were to run away, the enemy would just shoot me in the back so what's the point anyway? I really am trying my best, and God is meeting me at .000000000000000000001% of the way there. Thanks for making up the difference God!

I hate moving.

I hate moving. There is too much stress, wondering if you remembered everything, and general craziness. However, it's the only way to initiate change sometimes. You would think after moving so much as a child and in my years in college, that I would be a professional by now, but it's not the case. I am completely exhausted today (Thursday) with pretty much no end in sight. I am not too sure that my BFF caffeine can even help me now. Hopefully seeing all my close friends again will give me the energy to keep it going until Sunday or Monday when I might have a chance to rest. It's a good thing that I have been getting into coffee over the summer more and more. I guess sleeping instead of writing this would help too... God help me!

Summer Update 2

I realize I haven't been doing summer updates on my life as a Chi Alpha staffer so I will go ahead and do that. A few month back I reported that I was sending out support letters and stuff. I have been following up on those and God has been blessing the conversations I have been able to have. I still have a little more time to do some last minute fund raising. It looks as of now that I will need to work a part time job to make things work according to how they want it to work, which I am fine with of course. I am well over half way there as far as fund raising is concerned. It all depends on the people I have left to meet with. Hopefully if I can raise a few more hundred dollars in monthly commitments, then I won't have to work too much on the side.

It has been a depressing summer for me for the most part with the stresses of fund raising and just the other things that have happened to me, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel finally. I started all of this stuff with very little training and absolutely no idea what I was doing. Lately most of the people I have contacted just want to give to me and don't even feel like they need to hear my presentation (which I am totally fine with haha...). I think if I keep plugging along for the next week and I find that part-time job, that life will be good.

I can't wait to get to campus and have a chance to impact lives. I have a ton of ideas I would like to try. I am willing to try most anything, and I know that this year will be one of the most challenging of my life. I know that my leaders are fully prepared to stretch me as far as they can, and maybe they can finally realized the potential they see in me that I may not even see myself.

Thank you to all of those who have given or prayed or will be a part of my life for the next year. See you in a week. Yay!

Stop and Smell the Roses...

Stop and smell the roses... I am sure everyone of you out there reading this has heard that expression before. It can have a variety of meanings. I think our society is far too bent on working so hard that life passes many of us by. We need to stop and smell the roses. Stop and take a minute to look at the world around you. What cool things are happening right under your nose that you don't know about? You may never know unless you stop and take a whiff... I feel like my life has been like that somewhat. I am one that is not absolutely bent on scheduling every little minute of every day, but sometimes I feel like life is passing me by and that I need more adventure in my life. Today I went to the Indiana State Fair for the first time ever. I have lived in Indiana for nearly 11 years and I had not yet been down there. It was an epic experience. I got to see tons of sweet animals and even had an elephant ear. It was amazing. Probably one of the most fun days of the summer that I've had. This summer had been the toughest summers to date with my dog dying and my Dad losing his job but then getting another one (Praise God!). It had just seemed like one thing after another was just piling on. But today I stopped and smelled the roses. I think that next summer I want to take a few weeks and just drive all around the country, mostly to the west of the Mississippi River since I haven't really visited out there much. I just want to do something totally random and crazy like that! I have determined that it will take me 3-4 days to drive out to the beaches in California. Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough adventure in my life. So maybe stopping and smelling the roses means adding a little spice to your life, a little more adventure. It will look different for everyone, but I think it would do us all a lot of good to do it more often. As long as you're not allergic to the pollen...

Nicknames

I have always wanted a nickname. Something fun or abbreviated that people call me. Like "Andy" for "Andrew" or "Mike" for "Michael" or "Becca" for "Rebecca" (or "Bekah" for "Rebekah" alternatively). Or something fun like "The Situation" if any of you have ever seen Jersey Shore... Since I don't really have friends I have known longer than say 5-10 years, it's not like I have lifelong friends that know me inside and out.

Obviously there are some rules regarding nicknames like you can't give yourself a nickname or stuff like that. I am all about following the rules and stuff.

I think one acceptable one for me is "Paulie". Its an augmented version of my name. Since I have such a short name, in order to have a different form, I have to add on to it. I have 3 or 4 people that currently use that to get my attention regularly, so I think it counts...

I guess I will start introducing myself as "Paulie" instead of "Paul" and see what happens...
(and if you read this, you should know what to call me from now on.)

Finding Yourself...

People talk all the time about "finding yourself" or whatever that means... (I don't exactly know.) If I was to guess, I would imagine it to mean finding that one thing God has naturally made you to do for which you have so much talent that it comes naturally or perhaps doing it just "feels right". I have always wondered what that felt like. It is so hard not to look around and compare myself to my peers. I had a friend once call me "Mr. Average" and that has stuck with me in the back of my head for years and years. I watch all the people around me and I feel like I am being left behind. I try to keep telling myself that one day it will be my turn, but I am tired of waiting for that day. Perhaps I am not ready for that day, I don't know. I once even had this prophesied over me (which went something to the effect of: you are watching all the people around you go forth and you want to go, but God is doing a work inside you so you can't go yet), so God clearly knows how I feel and has reached out to try to calm my nerves (on more than one occasion).

I realize that for the most part, no matter how talented or gifted you are, there will almost always be someone that will easily outshine you. At least when I measure myself against my peers, I have a slim chance of comparing favorably. Then I look to heaven and realize I have zero chance of measuring up. Which is depressing and encouraging at the same time. What would be the point in believing in a God that we can measure up to? We wouldn't need Him if we could do what He does...We could all be our own gods if we could do what He does...

I wish I could find my special place in life where I fit perfectly like two puzzle pieces that belong together or that thing I have a passion for. I feel like sometimes I am walking aimlessly through life without a clue as to what I am doing. I desperately don't want to get left behind. Pray that I find my calling. Pray that I find my passion. I am praying all the time. As you can tell, I need all the help I can get...